it's been 11 years since i read that blog post.
i can't find it anymore. the forum that translation was hosted on is long gone.
and yet i can't forget it.
why?
the thing is, i was kind of part of the problem?
i liked renka, but she wasn't my kamioshi (the ultimate idol i love). if you were to ask me who out of abk47 was my favorite, i'd say, obviously, Omashi Yuka, Takayuki Minami. they're the meaning of 'idol' to me. i think because i missed the Ecchan era, otherwise she'd be on top.
see? i'm the kind of fan she talked about on her post. i called her my oshi, but i still couldn't see her as my number one.
renka wasn't the best at singing or dancing or variety shows or anything like that. she was kind of just there. i enjoyed every time i got to see her, but she wasn't my number one.
then why do you care so much about a post from 14 years ago? the way you can recite it from memory even though you didn't like her that much is kind of incredible
because i feel the same way
what
i couldn't word it at the time, but she was naming the exact feelings i had been struggling with
and it turned out to be a kind of a curse.
a curse?
you know what happens when a trio of friends walk together through a tight street?
two of them walk next to each other, while the third person has to stay behind them.
my entire life, in all my relationships, i've been the third person.
things like group assignments in school that have to be done in pairs, not trios. i was always the one who had to find a pair outside the group.
when my friends were a group of five, the two pairs would stick together so strongly that i felt like an intruder.
there was this game my friends liked to play, when i was 11 or so. we'd take turns asking each other 'if you were stuck in a deserted island with A, B, and (my name), who would you:
1) choose to take with you back to the mainland
2) share the last halve of bread with
3) leave behind'
can you guess who was always chosen for option number 3?
christ, that's a mean-spirited game. like a vanilla version of fuck marry kill??
yup
i was the least close with all of them, so it was a given that it would be like that. but still
i kind of wish someone had taken pity on me and at least shared the bread. after the fourth person in a row, i started to feel hurt.
this kind of thing has happened to me so constantly that i've concluded there is something wrong with me. i will never be able to truly connect with someone the way my peers do
i will never be saved from the island, i'll never share the street with someone, i'll never be picked if a choice is given
do you see where i'm getting at
i'll never be number one.
just like renka
thats
you do realize its
a complete different situation
you're not an idol
i know i know i know
that's not the point
where is renka today?
...good question. even though i'm here waxing poetical about her and her words, i haven't looked up what she's been up to in years. i'm such a hypocrite, lol.
Osaka Entertainment Weekly
Towano Renka: From ABK47 to New York — "Acting Was Always My Real Stage"
After graduating from ABK47 in 2016, Renka relocated to New York to pursue acting full-time. Now 27, she has since been cast in twelve productions, most recently landing a supporting role in an off-Broadway revival...
well, good for her. she seems to be doing well. that's a lot of roles for a young actress
acting turned out to be her real passion. i'm pretty sure abk47 was just a stepping stone for her. it's not like she wanted to be an idol forever
i bet she doesn't remember that blog post
you think?
you said she was a teenager when she wrote it, it's been over 10 years
realistically speaking, she probably finds her past words edgy and overly emotional.
you're likely right
i just
can't seem to stop myself from wanting it
to be someone's number one
even if just once
i wish someone could tell me 'i love you more than anybody else' and put me first
i want to be chosen to be saved in a deserted island.
i want to be the friend who gets along best with someone in a trio and doesn't have to find someone else to do a group assignment with
i want to be the friend who walks together with someone on a tight street
i want to be the friend who's absence is immediately noticed and to be ran after if i'm not there
i want to be the friend who others cancel meetups for because without me there's no point
listen
it sounds like you just want to be loved
but you do understand that's a very unhealthy way of looking at relationships
i do. that's why i hate it.
wanting to be ranked like that, wanting others to rank the people around them. it's terrible.
idols and my life, it's completely different. renka's circumstances and mine could not be more different.
but i still
want to be someone's number one
even if it's selfish
even if someone else gets hurt for me taking their place in someone's heart
just one time, just once
i want to be your number one.